Three weeks ago

I was pregnant.  I was making plans for a December baby.  One day, when I took my son to an indoor trampoline place, I went off to the bathroom to pee on a stick, a digital one because I cannot read a plus sign.  I bought some cheap and cute cloth diapers that I had been eyeing.  I stopped by the maternity outlet to stock up on winter clothes from the clearance rack.  Amazon and Target started stalking me with banner ads on every website I browsed.   I calculated how much paid time off I could have if I tried really hard to not get sick for the rest of the year.  I became slightly nauseated and kept hoping to get a little more so, just to prove it was real.  I cut down to 10 oz. of coffee per day on workdays and 6 oz. on off days.  I added kale and Greek yogurt to my diet.

Then one day, I was no longer nauseated.  My boobs were not sore anymore.  My basal temperature dropped half a degree in one day. I had strong cramps for a day and then at 5 weeks and 5 days I gave birth to a gestational sac that may or may not have contained an embryo.  I had the peaceful homebirth in my bathtub that I have always wanted.  All my plans for the next year are suddenly gone.

I am a homeowner

I just went under contract for my very first house.  I am so excited to finally have a space that is ours.  My in-laws very graciously took us in almost 2 years ago so that I could afford to go full time to nursing school.  We are going to be able to give them their house back.  I feel like a REAL grownup now that I am going to start working a real job (this time in a field that I actually enjoy) and making mortgage payments.
A.G. keeps going back and forth on whether he wants the blue room or pink room.  The most exciting part of this move for me is that we get our dishes back!  The last two years, they have been in a box in the attic.  One month to go and the place is officially ours.

Why am I newly fascinated with QF and christian patriarchy?

One "hobby" I tend to have is being fairly obsessed with reading up on immersing myself in one topic at a time.  At various times the running topic has been chronically ill children (which got way too depressing with my personal life), natural birth, breastfeeding, attachment parenting, feminism, racism, reproductive health, etc.  About a month ago I found a new interest in reading about those who had escaped various fundamentalist Christian groups and families.
I cannot quite explain why I find this so important.  I did not come from one of these kinds of groups.  I grew up in a fairly mainstream Christian household.  I went to public school and was expected to go to college. I was allowed to believe that God created the world through evolutionary mechanisms.  I wore jeans.  I was allowed to go on dates.  I absolutely cannot begin to comprehend what abused individuals have experienced coming out of the more patriarchal sects.
However, some of the experiences I read about do resonate with me. For example, while my family demonstrated a fairly egalitarian marriage, I read all the pop Christian literature as a teenager and gave me some very negative views of women.  I experienced a number of times where real problems were dismissed with supernatural solutions: "just pray" "it will all work out" "give it to God"
I was really inspired the other day by Libby Anne's post here.  I had a similar experience where at one point, everything snapped and I do not have the same faith that I used to.  Its been a very emotional process and I still have not really "come out" as an atheist yet.  (That still feels like such a dirty word to say out loud)
I have gotten so much insight from sharing stories of those who have come out of more oppressive Christian movements (whether still of the faith or not) that I am going to try to resurrect my blog, as less of a perfectionist this time.  I'm going to let go and share what is in my head.

Because I don't want to be a quitter

I'm back after almost a year.  I don't know if its my commitment issues or my perfection issues, but I have just not been able to do it.  I get these intrusive thoughts about how no one probably cares what I have to say here (and if so - so what, I can say whatever I want) And there are the worries about what is and is not appropriate to post on the internet these days.  I need to chill out about my need for a cohesive theme and just say whatever I feel like.

I'm 11 weeks out from finishing the longest year of my life.  I will be graduating with my BSN and be able to become an RN and hope to find employment somewhere in this tough economy.  I have been taking mental health nursing this past month which has been pretty challenging.  Its so different from my other rotations.  Instead of a big list of tasks, we spend our days - communicating theraputically.  I feel like I have faced a lot of my own not so normal mental health while trying to figure out how to interact with patients without being an idiot.  I'm somewhat trying to maintain my 4.0 but this class, though not the most difficult, may throw me off. 

A.G. has been going to half-day preschool this year.  He absolutely loves his days there plus the hour and 20 minute bus ride. He eats food these days.  Its not a lot of variety but he does it all himself.  Usually a cup of milk and half an everything bagel toasted with Chive&onion cream cheese for breakfast; Carb-filled snack foods at school;  Sometimes sandwich meat and banana and milk for evening snack; lots of graham crackers and goldfish in between. He loves to play with his "woo woo" train and watch woo-woo movies and read woo-woo books.  He is getting some great words added to his vocabulary.  My favorite is that when I ask a question, he'll say "yes mom."   Definitely making huge progress in learning new things that awhile ago I would have never thought possible.

I am going through my ups and downs on how I feel about him.  I want to squeeze in every bit of happy life experience we can, but at the same time, I dread the day when life is not so happy. 

RL is waiting on his acceptance letter to start nursing school in the fall.  Hopefully, I will find some sort of employment when I graduate and then the three of us will move into some sort of home. We still live with our very patient relatives who are likely eager to get rid of us.

I'm officially back and am going to update regularly. I'm going to try to chill out and let go of my grandiose notions of starting an award winning blog instantly.  Instead I'll just work on saying what's on my mind.

Monday

Starting off another week.  Being a student now instead of a 12-shift CNA, I'm back to a life where weekdays/ weekends are significant.  I just turned in 6 APA formatted pages about the social justice and nursing implications of elderly people committing suicide, which was so uplifting.  I also started a new class today, Foundations of Nursing where we got to do some creative hands-on learning to practice "sterile technique" that involved gloves, fake cheese n' crackers, chocolate and zip locks. 

I just discovered Hobo Mama and her witty, relevant prose that I'm definitely going to have to start reading.  I keep on discovering more internet entertainment to distract me from doing any work.

And, I just found out that a good friend of mine, who happens to best the cook I've ever met is now sharing some recipe yuminess with the world.
Time to read up on what else is going on in the world!

The Rabbi’s Rant

Apparently someone in Internet-land recently came across an old column written several years ago by Rabbi Shmuley, from TLC's Shalom in the Home railing against the de-eroticization of breastfeeding. The whole thing erupted; the Rabbi got word of it and responded. He talks about the family of an 11-month old on an episode where the mom was still breastfeeding and it was causing marriage problems. Personally, I think if the method of feeding is causing serious relationship problems, there have got to be much deeper issues going on. Rabbi Shmuley thinks that the practice of breastfeeding and its exposure in society causes a detrimental loss of the sexual connotation of the breast. He recommends that lactating mothers feed modestly not only in public but in the presence of their male partners. In his response, the Rabbi also made it clear that he is absolutely against co-sleeping and prefers children to be isolated in their own beds at sleep time, despite the traditional practices of most humans and other mammals, where the child sleeps with the mother.

I know lots of blogs out there are already discussing the problematic nature of some of these statements which are not compatible with WHO standards or that of most of the health community. My particular concern is that this dialog surrounds the child but does not include him/ her.  The problem of the "mother's obsession with breast-feeding" sounds like a hobby, not like an interactive event. In feeding, the child is the active participant. Shouldn't his/her opinion matter? Perhaps if breastfeeding is related to stress in the family dynamic, there could be other solutions than simply cutting it off – like working toward night-weaning. In my opinion, the child has a unique personality and his/her own set of needs and wants that interact with those of the other members of the family. These should be appreciated and recognized, seeking a balance between everyone in the family. The infant is already at a disadvantage in these negotiations because of the lack of verbal skills.

Additionally, there are many elitist assumptions about what the Rabbi has to say. One is that every family can afford to pay retail price for a full supply of infant formula and has access to clean water (which rules out 884 million people.) Therefore, breastfeeding is simply a health/ emotional "choice" and not one of necessity. Looking at his views on co sleeping: "I believe strongly that children should have their own beds and should not be sleeping with their parents," apparently for Rabbi Shmuley, every family lives in a home with multiple rooms and multiple beds. They also all have the funds for weekly babysitter fees and vacations twice/ year. The suggestion that needy breastfeeding babies are distracting from the dates and getaways every couple should take sounds a little entitled.

I have seen a few episodes of Shalom in the Home and have respected a lot of the advice Rabbi Shmuley has for families. After reading both of these statements, however, I am concerned that some of the suggestions and the harm that could be caused to children by assuming them to be a nuisance and a distraction rather than an integral member of the family. I also worry that the focus on sexualizing the female body causes much more social harm than good.

Who's Public Space?

Yesterday I was reading Rixa's children-in-public-spaces at Stand and Deliver and loved her eloquent take on something that seems to be a controversial topic lately after the original Feministe article and the response my-child-takes-up-spaceon Womanist Musings.  Do children belong in public space?  Are they/ their parents expected to maintain a particular code of conduct compatible with adult-only world?  And is it elitist and priviledged (and by extension "unfeminist") to suggest that adults have a right to quiet or child-free spaces?  I love the way Rixa summed it up: "How we treat children--our own as well as other people's--speaks volumes about our core values as a society. Children are our most vulnerable group, dependent on the adults around them. They deserve to be nurtured, loved, guided, and most of all, accepted as a normal part of what it means to be human."

I want to look at this from the perspective of special needs children who fit into both disadvantaged classes simultaneously.   My little man is more than 2, less than 3; thanks to fighting some serious medical disadvantages is not quite acting age appropriate in every way.  He does go out in public.  I consider him a person equally deserving of all experiences that are not dangerous to him.  We go to parks, parties, stores, etc..  He also sometimes has snacks when some might consider it a food-inappropriate moments.  Only in the last few months has he learned to start feeding orally.  I bring his favorite snacks and water bottle everywhere for every time he might feel like practicing his new skill. 
We still communicate pretty non-verbally and he does get frustrated and "temper tantrumish" when he can't express what he wants and sometimes this happens in public.  One day a month ago, we were out in the car and had no more Cheetohs left, which was a crisis.  We stopped at a grocery store and he excitedly walked all the way to the junk food aisle where we picked up the bag.  Then he freaked out and decided that I had to hold him.  I did not think that was necessary as he is perfectly capable of walking and needs a little encouragement to do more on his own.  I told him "If you walk to that aisle down there, I'll pick you up"  The whole way down, I'd walk a little in front of him and get him to come a few steps, carefully avoiding getting close enough for him to grab on and try to force me to pick him up. On the way, he was fussing (not disturbing anything at this big loud store.)  An employee made an acknowledging face at me and I laughed and said "he wants cheetohs!"  He said "I'm just glad its not mine.  I have a 3 yr old and 5 yr old"
I think he meant to convey understanding, but it still hit me the wrong way.  I wasn't upset or overwhelmed (though it happens on occasion.)  I've dreamed of the day that he would be alive and not on any drips or oxygen and walking in a public space and even expressed himself (even if by crying instead of actual dialog.)
I guess to me, the heart of the issue is this:  For any person, adult or child, that you may encounter, you really don't know.  You can't look and determine the chronological age of a kid and therefore what behaviors should be appropriate.  For any person, you cannot necessarily see superficially what their abilities are, the same way you cannot look at someone's race and know everything about their upbringing and culture.  Instead of running around being the "appropriate public behavior" police on each other, couldn't we all just promote a society of respect for all people that we encounter?  Can we learn to share this space?